Ten Years at Rest

Dear Ava,

Hi, sweetest girl; I know it’s been some time since I last wrote. There have been so many times when I wanted to come here and write to you. So much has happened to me with my health, and I’m just trying to get through it the best I can. What I can say is what had tried to kill me made me so much stronger mentally, and a lot less afraid of the unknown. Enough of me though, I just can’t believe it’s been 10 years, Ava. It feels so long, yet not that long ago.

You were laid to rest today, and I remember feeling the saddest and the most helpless I still haven’t felt since that day. I’m proud of myself that I didn’t get too sad last week on the anniversary. I couldn’t visit you that day, but I hope I’ll be able to for your birthday. The day after your birthday will be our final blood drive. I wish I could donate, but I’m not allowed to, for now at least. But I will be there to support your sister and parents on this monumental milestone. I promise I’ll donate when I’m able to.

Your sister is leaving for college soon. I’m so proud of her. She’s going to do such amazing things with her life.

Every second of every minute of every hour every single day, I miss you. I love you, kid.

See you later, Ava.


Sweet 13

Dear Ava,

I can’t believe you are a teenager now. Wow! I wish you were still here to really celebrate. I’m proud of myself for not crying today or on the anniversary. All of my Facebook memories are of me celebrating your day, and tons of photos of cupcakes.

I wish I could know what you would look like now, what your interests would be. To me you’re still that bright-eyed three year old that loved Winnie the Pooh.

I love you, Ava, so much. Happy birthday, sweetheart.

See you later, Ava.

May 17

Dear Ava,

Twelve years ago today my world was rocked. You had been sick for a while, and not knowing what was wrong, not until this day when we found out you had a tumour. I can’t describe the feeling hearing those words. Why Ava? She’s only a baby. We didn’t even know if it was malignant or not, but I was devastated.

That day I was going to take a really important final exam. I didn’t care much about anything after learning the news. I honestly just wanted to drive my car into a wall. I’d rather it be me suffering instead of you.

Twelve years since our lives changed. It doesn’t feel that long. It feels like it just happened sometimes. The pain is still unbearable. I was sad thinking about you last night, but I stopped myself. I don’t let myself be sad except for one day. You know which day that is.

Love you, kid.

See you later, Ava.

It’s been some time…

Dear Ava,

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? I guess that’s a good thing. Me not writing to you means that I’ve got it under control. I just saw a photo of you come through my Facebook memories, and that made me smile. Also other unpleasant memories where I said that I was packing to leave at a moment’s notice. What an awful time that was. Why are such horrible memories the most vivid?

Missing you is so hard, but loving you is so easy.

See you later, Ava.

My Treasure

Dear Ava,

This was supposed to be for you. I bought it for your 4th birthday, which I never got to give you. Once you had left us, I gave the rest of your birthday gift to your mom, but I kept this for myself. I needed something of you to keep with me, and I wore it until it turned my neck green, and then I displayed it next to your photo.


I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and I miss you so much.

See you later, Ava. I love you.




Dear Ava,

This image could not be more true. Ever since then, I’ve found it difficult to say “goodbye”. That word feels so final. It gets me every time I have to say goodbye to people when an event in my life is over and I move on.

That’s why now I only say “See you later”.

That’s not all though; I’ve become way more compassionate towards everyone.

Love you, kiddo.

See you later, Ava.


Dear Ava,

Happy birthday to you, sweetheart! Twelve years ago I was so excited when you were born, and I couldn’t wait to meet you. You were the teeniest, cutest little baby with such beautiful big eyes. I was surprised how much you didn’t look like your sister when she was a baby.

I just wish I could know you as a 12 year old. I only know you as that almost 4 year old precocious little girl. I wonder what you would be like, what you would like, what kind of activities you would be doing, how well you would be doing in school. You know, the usual things we normally take for granted.

I didn’t get to visit today, like I usually do on your birthday, but I will visit you this weekend. I had a cupcake for you, like I usually do. No matter where I am in the world, I will always celebrate your birthday with a cupcake, and wear your favourite colors. Orange and blue go well together in an outfit if done right. 🙂

I love you, Ava. I really, really do.

See you later, Ava.